Be you and love all.

   We are who we are. Right? We are not born a certain way, or are we? We grow into the person we are destined to be. True? There is only black and white in life. Grey does not exist or does it? Your parents are always right, but what if they are not? If you do not follow the bible, you are going to hell, but God loves all correct? Being gay is wrong and if you are, well enjoy the disaster you are about to take on.

   Hold on. That last one. Being gay is wrong. I thought we were supposed to love everyone. I thought God loved all sinners. I mean remember in that Bible, the so-called only way of life, where Jesus loved murderers and prostitutes, and even the one who betrayed him dis-included those who love who they love? You mean if I am as I am than I am broken? Going to hell. Going to die of AIDS or by some hypocrite who decides I am not worthy to live. 

   This does not make any sense. I am told to be who I am and to grow into the person I am destined to be but if I do so then I am a devilish person. This sounds like the old testament. Did these “Christians” not read the new testament? I feel something big is being left out. How about that verse, the one where they talk about throwing the first rock? Or how about the one where God loves all, including sinners and that all sins are considered the same? I mean there is even a verse regarding not judging anyone because there is really only one judge. 

  So, someone explain. Why are gays, lesbians, non-binary, queers, and such judged for simply living their own life and loving everyone? There are so few of us that live as the others who do us wrong. Instead we are forced to turn the other cheek or live in the shadows. Because it is 2020 that must mean the old fashioned have perished and the world is open minded. Right? It means we can go out of Austin and we will not receive those hateful glances or catch someone rudely talking behind our backs not realizing they are much louder than they think. Why is it that those who are not supposed to judge are almost always the ones who judge others the most. The ones who disagree with how someone lives are the ones who preach the hardest.

   Let me ask you. Do you think if you force the gospel on us that we will just decide to stop being who we are? Do you really believe that the sign you hold at our celebrations is going to send us into hiding? Do you expect us to stop living and loving because you do not like it? Come on. Just let us be. We do not stand on your terrain and tell you to stop being straight. We do not yell at you that you are going to hell. I mean who do you think you are? Better than us?

   People do not realize the persecution the LGBTQN group still receives. How many children hide in fear because there will always be bullies in school or on the streets waiting to beat them straight. How many children are disowned by their families because they chose to love as we were all meant to love, with unconditional strength.  How many Queens have to be careful of walking outside after a show because someone could be outside waiting with iron to blow into their blood. How about those who choose to just be themselves and leave the labels behind. How dare they neglect whether they were born with a dick or vagina. How dare they change themselves to be who they are most comfortable as. There is only black and white so if you are not doing what the world expects than forget it. Peace will never exist for you.

   I am a female who is pansexual. What does that mean? It means I love whoever my heart leads me to love. It means I live my life to the fullest with arms open and my head held high. I have not been able to always live this way though. I grew up in one of the most judgmental, hypocritical, religious families. I mean if we even lied, we were destined to go to hell. If I was not in a dress on Sunday at the chapel doors, then I was definitely going to hell. I grew up thinking tv was a demon box and pants were only meant for natural born men. I was such a sinner just simply being a regular teenager. So, I was forced into isolation and ended up running as far as I could once I hit the big one eight. It was not until I was twenty-one that I was able to tell a few that I was into both men and women and not fear for my life. It was not until a few years later that I felt comfortable enough to post it on social media. I am twenty-eight now and I have never told my parents nor siblings that I am pansexual. I cannot because I am fully aware, they will be unaccepting. They turned my half sister away because she loves women. Told her that they loved the sinner but not the sin and she was unwelcomed to bring her partner around. That she could not talk about who she was or how she felt. So, I am still hidden. Or am I? Honestly, I make these posts and they may or may not see them. I do not know because I know it is something I will never speak about. If it is brought up, I will tell them as I tell anyone who disapproves of my choices. It is my choice and my life, not yours. So, leave me alone or else I will remove your negativity in my life, and it will ultimately be your loss.

   Goodness. Do you know how long it has taken me to be at this point in my life? I will tell you. Twenty- six years. Ever since the day I was entered into the foster care system until about two years ago. When I was pushed to a breaking point. When I was going to end my life because it became so overwhelming to be told day after day how much of a screw up, I was. Surviving that day showed me it was time to move on and let go. To no longer care what others thought or said about me. I was who I was. I am who I am. I am happy with who I am, and I know what kind of person I am so if anyone has a judgement against that, I cut them out as quickly as I let them in. No more negativity allowed openly. 

   There are so many people I try to leave footprints on and to show them this is such a better, happier, less stressful life. I finally get to be happy for myself about myself. It is freeing. It takes time and discipline and sometimes constant reminders that I am great, but it is doable. Everyone should feel it. Everyone should still fight for themselves and ignore all judgmental thoughts, even against yourself. This is my advice for those who hate against us. Just breathe in, now out, now let it go! Not your life so keep your nose to yourself. Love is not the problem. It is the hate in this world. It is the fear that people hold so close because they are not open to learning something new or something they are not used to being around. It is okay. You can have that decision to hold. Please just let everyone be as they are though.

   So, we are who we are. Correct. You be you and we will be us. We are born a certain way. Correct. Some are born with open minds and open arms where some are born stuck and scared. We grow into the person we are destined to be. Correct. Live freely and love just the same. There is only black and white. Wrong. Life is life. Some things may be great to others and horrible to the opposites. It's life, full of opinions. Your parents are always right. Wrong. No one is always right. No one is perfect. If you do not follow the Bible, then you are going to hell. Guess we will find out. Being gay or anything of the like is wrong and you will soon find a disaster to take on. Do not judge. Just live your life. I will live mine.

Good in every break.

   Often times when one thing ends we loose sight of the path that we took to get to that end. Often times when something ends, we focus on the bad that happened rather than the good and we forget that for every bad thing comes a good thing. Everything happens for a reason. Now I know that everyone shakes it off as something they don't truly believe because it is easier to just dwell in your pain and sit amongst the broken pieces rather than pick those pieces up and put them back together to build a stronger you. I've sat amongst a lot of broken pieces, sometimes I've been so broken that those pieces were not pieces but rather grains of salt amongst the sand with thrashing waves beating against them. Today is not one of those days. Today is a day that I want to take a moment to say thank you to those people that I held relationships with , that ended in a terrible way yet I learned some amazing lessons from. Today is a day that I am so grateful for each hurt, because with each hurt I grew a little stronger and I learned to be the amazing woman I am and for this I will always be grateful for.

Dear biological family,
   I want to say thank you for helping me to become who I am today. I think deep down you are the one who has taught me the most. Sometimes I know it is not always apparent and sometimes I still struggle with the pain I hold, but reality is that I have become one of the strongest many have known simply because I have survived what many don't understand. You have taught me that sometimes even blood is not thick enough. Sometimes we are just meant to go down separate paths in lives with different people and that never means that we are not good enough or worthy enough to live, but rather that it is okay to live in another storyline with different characters. When I felt no one truly loved me or cared for me, I learned that no one could ever love me more than I could love myself and that this is the first step into becoming the amazing soul that I am meant to be.

Dear abuser,
  I want to say thank you for teaching me that no man or woman is ever going to lay another finger on my beautiful body again. I learned that no one would ever be excused from such an act because I know that I will always deserve better then the marks you left on my skin. I learned that it is okay to stand up for yourself and I learned that it is okay to walk away, even if you feel you have no where else to go. You taught me that no matter how much you feel you love someone, or that you can fix a person's life, sometimes they just aren't willing to fix it themselves. That no matter how much you forgive them,  they can never forgive themselves enough to let go of the anguish they hold dear to them inside. I learned that I don't have to suffer so that you can cause the same pain to those around you. I am much stronger than that.

Dear ex husband,
   I want to say thank you for all the good that you taught me. I know at first I didn't see it. I just saw the hurt and the excuses and the brokenness inside me, but now my eyes have cleared and my heart has healed and I have so much to be grateful for. You taught me that it is okay to fall on your face in life  and when I say fall, I mean splatter hard all over the pavement below. You taught me that it is not only okay to fall but it is also okay to pick yourself up off that hard ground and dust off yourself and wipe the tears and begin crawling, and that crawling will lead to standing and that standing will one day lead to walking again. You taught me that sometimes life doesn't always go as planned, but that's okay as well because sometimes God has bigger plans for us then the life we imagined. You taught me how to be quick and learn how to react to when the world shifts beneath your feet and everything crumbles around me, I can one day stand because there is nothing in this world that can keep me down.

Dear drug addict who stole my heart,
   There were two of you. Seemed I attracted them. One on a powder and the other a pill. Either way you taught me the same and because of you both I know to never touch the things you survive off of.
I made promises to never touch the drugs you slave yourselves to because you taught me that I can be stronger than that. When all your hurt is built up and the easiest way to escape is to sniff or swallow, I  know I can feel and I can let go and then I can stand with my head held high rather then allowing it to sink to its lowest levels. I learned that sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes it is death defying and sometimes it is enough to cause the weak to run from it rather than to just feel, because if you lock it into your head that no one can love you, they really cant and so those words must be a lie. Loving you taught me that this was never true, because no matter how much we feel we are never good enough, someone else sees the opposite and will choose to see the bad within the good even when you cant see it yourself. We are all in charge of the paths we choose in life and suffer the consequences for the actions we take. You taught me it is better to spend a life with pain than it is to spend a life never knowing what love really is.

Dear most recent ex girlfriend,
   Thank you for all of the amazing moments and parts of my recent life that you introduced me too. You showed me so much in this world I would have never been exposed to. Helped me to open my eyes to more than I ever dreamt I would see. Not only in the good areas of life but also the bad. Thank you for being there in my darkest moments as this last year has been the hardest of my life. You were there to hold me up when I just wanted to fall and never get up ever again. When I felt like it was time to end a life, you taught me that there is a much bigger reason to hold onto it rather than letting that life fade away. You taught me that no one should ever be good enough nor hold the power to lessen my worth in my own eyes. I learned that this world is full of so much darkness, but if we build ourselves up to what we are meant to be, we can conquer all and provide the greatest light to the world. Thank you for reminding me that many, many people will gain ones trust, but to also be mindful that there will also be many people who will destroy that bond, disappoint you, and let you down. However, you have taught me that this should never ever stop you from opening up again, as every scar is just a reminder that you only grow stronger.

Dear me,
   I feel like I should write this to remind myself that all the bad I have caused myself has left many things to be grateful for as well. As I fight each day with the depression and anxiety that I hold, I know that it is a fight I will keep fighting til I can rid myself of it. I have to thank myself because with each bad day, I ensure to focus on the great days ahead. I know that I must learn to love myself in all of its good and bad times, good and bad qualities, and know that I am never responsible for anyone other than myself. I am learning that with every bad moment is a few good moments to match it. So I have to keep my head held high and take each step, each breath as they are presented to me. I have to continue to grow and continue to work towards being the best version of myself.

   You see, not every heart shattering relationship means it is the end of the world It really just means it is the end of that chapter and there are many more to be written. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we may not understand that reason right away, but I know one day it will come to light and you will take a look back and you will see all the saddening things were only meant to prepare you for all of the happiness to come. Just don't forget the rear view mirror is always smaller than your windshield for a reason...

      Work Out

Work out your body so that you may become strong.

Work out your mind so that you may become wise.

Work out you heart so that you may overcome all wrong.

Work out your feelings so that you may separate the truth from the lies.

Work out your life so that you may build nothing but success.

Work out your goals so that you can begin to fly free.

Work out your problems so that you can clear away the mess.

Work out everything around you so that you can finally just be.

Never stop working out, never stop til you are all that you can become.

   You close your eyes as you're afraid of the fall of that tear.
  You close your eyes as you try so hard to block out the fear.
You don't wanna let anyone know how you truly feel.
   You don't wanna accept what has become truly real.
  You turn and hide away that beautiful face, cover your eyes, and block out what the world plays.
You close your eyes to run from the face of reality.
   You don't wanna face it, because if you face reality then that means excepting that it may be. 
  You don't wanna see everything crashing at your feet.
So You close your eyes as you're afraid of the fall of that first tear.
   You close your eyes as you try so hard to block out the fear that it may be your last.
  You don't wanna let anyone see you bare, broken, lost without your mask.

        "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

 -Wayne W. Dryer

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see what I see?

Maybe you don't look far enough deep,

take a step back and breathe.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see an escape?

One permanent, the other for a moment's sake.

Do you see the hurt, yet the strength gained?

Do you see the scars hidden, the pain?

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see the power and muscle?

Or do you see the numbness masked away?

Take a step back and breath.

Look closer and to what could be,

the strongest battle ever won.

 The beauty of a thousand words in a picture.

You can't move on to your future until you let go of your past. Otherwise you will never fully live in the present but only for what was or what could be.

- Ashley Fincher

Does Love Still Exist?

 

   What is love? Definition says its a deep compassion or romantic attachment for someone. I keep hearing the words I love you, yet feel nothing towards it. So many mixed stories about this word yet I'm unsure which to believe anymore. I've heard the stories of old couples who die hand in hand a few hours apart because they can't seem to face life without the other. I've heard stories of people giving and risking their all for another because they love so deeply where that person becomes everything to them. Then I've heard stories of people uttering these words but with nothing to back it up. They are just words used to manipulate the human mind enough to grant whatever selfish things they are looking for. I've heard the words used to cage others up as they feel if they love someone, then they must stay together right? Because love is the greatest thing? They say that love is the greatest thing God granted to us because he made the biggest sacrifice for us out of love and that it is our goal to carry it out with ourselves and with our neighbors, but do we? I believe we have changed the definition of love in this day and age to something a lot less. It has started to be used more and more for "I care for you" and "you mean something to me", yet it never stands for long. It has become a temporary feeling for many. Its what we all strive to hear and feel so we force it into our lives. Because something feels right for a few weeks, or months suddenly its labeled as love. It makes me wonder if unconditional love is still around. That love that lasts for years upon years like the old couple who died hand in hand. That love that forgives everything because we love the people and hate the sin. That love that overthrows every obstacle in life because you can't imagine things any differently and you will do all to keep it til you take your last breath. The love that's formed with years in hand. Does true love really exsist anymore in this day and age or is it just a story? Is it just words used to describe our care or want of something from someone? I really wanna know, so let me know your opinion on it.....

No Bake Peanut Butter, Chocolate, Oatmeal Cookies

 
 Every year my mom always made these cookies. Now fully grown and on my own, I try to keep the tradition alive when I can. They were my favorite cookies as a kid, I can't let em fade away as an adult! Ive listed the recipe below as a way to share with my fave readers. Enjoy!

Ingredients: 

2 Cups Sugar
1/2 Cup Almond Milk
1/2 Cup Margarine or 1 Stick Margarine
1/4 Cup Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
3 1/2 Cup Old Fashioned Oats, or Instant Oats (as i did below)
1 Cup Smooth Peanut Butter
1 Tablespoon Pure Vanilla Extract
Large Pinch of Salt
1 Medium Pinch Cinnamon(optional)

Directions:

Bring the sugar, butter, and cocoa powder to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally, then let boil for 1 minute. Remove from heat and add oats, peanut butter, vanilla, and salt immediately. Drop teaspoonfuls of the mixture onto parchment paper and let sit at room temperature until cooled and hardened.(Roughly 30 minutes) Place in refrigerator for faster set and also for storage. Will last up to 3 days.

For a fun twist, add a pinch of cinnamon when adding oats, peanut butter, vanilla, and salt.

The Little Things

   All the little things matter. Whether its the flowers just blooming, or the memories collecting dust, everything matters just the same. It's not until you loose these the little things that you realize just how much they really do matter, but its at that moment you have to decide if you can get them back. Every kiss, every touch, every second you spend together is a blessing and a moment you can't take for granted. Every breath is a breath of life and a moment of love. It wasn't til I lost these things that I realized just how beautiful they were.
   Without these little things of life, we have nothing. Without the flowers blooming, we don't have the beauty of things worth watering and feeding. Without the wind blowing, we don't feel the change and beauty always revolving around us. Without the touch of love, we never really feel. Without the little laughs, we never really smile. Without the blessings of God, we are just floating through life. To take all the little things for granted, we are just throwing it all away as if they are nothing. Often enough the little things are forgotten. I've learned this the hard way. Now I encourage all to remember this. To stop and smell the flowers, feel the breeze against your skin, hold your loved one and live life to its fullest potential because you never know what you have until its gone and sometimes it may be to late to get it back. It's because of these little things that we get to be and feel as if nothing could ever go wrong. These little things are our true happiness and true love. They are the things that build the bigger moments.The little things matter. Without them, the little things couldn't make the big. Life would just be an empty jar waiting to be filled.

Life Lessons

   Life is full of so many lessons. They come from every angle about so many things in life at every age we reach. From the day we are born, til the day we die we learn something new every day. Recently i learned a very important life lesson: love is forever. Sometimes we can become blocked by the things of this life and we forget the important things. We forget that little things matter. We forget not to take things for granted because one day those things could disappear. We forget to stop and just breathe in the many blessings around us. So many things are forgotten, but I've learned that one thing is forever. 

   Love. Even when it feels lost, or broken. Love remains and is there just as strong as when it first formed in your heart. I didn't believe this at first. I watched as things began falling apart and my life got rocky. I felt like i must have fallen out of love and it was the reason i wasn't seeing things as i once did, but i see now that i was wrong. Love is there and love is always going to be there. It can become buried or dusty but it never fully goes away. Whether it is a love for something or a deep love for someone, love is for always. It grows stronger with every moment that its there and it will continue to grow for as long as we live. So when things get rocky or dusty, just remember to stop and focus on the love you hold because that love will always make you happy.Nothing feels greater than the love of another and nothing could be more special. Love was created by God as a gift to always be held special. We shall never forget the love he shed when Jesus died on the cross or the love God showed when he created this world and all the magical blessings with it. Love is the blessings of life and the bonds we hold with others. Love is for always and for always will be, never forget that.